I will not stop writing until i have said absolutely everything

The time has come. I have the energy. I have the need. I'm ready. I"m starting with right now and i'll work my way back until august. I think that's good.

The relationship with the boy is coming to an end. Unless some miracle occurs and we sit down and talk about all of the issues and problems and everything we have been feeling for at least the last month. But that's a tall order. I sent him an email this evening. I wish I had a copy I could post. I feel i did a good job explaining what I was feeling it it. Under normal circumstances I would call him and ask him to send it back to me, but I don't really feel like talking to him right now. He called and I didn't pick up. I know that't not the most mature thing to do. But I'm in a good mood and don't feel like dealing with this right now. I got what I needed to off my chest and was mean and evil and vindictive and now i'm in a good mood. I had been brooding. Brooding over boyfriends and the things they do to annoy you or things they do that annoying is bad. Its best to tell them right away. But I know i'm not that forthright and i don't expect anyone else to be. If anyone knows someone who is, please give them a medal. They deserve it. I've also gained a new respect for couples who fight. I think fight is important. I have friends who are dating for - i think a year now - and they fight some times, but their relationship seems in good shape. Granted i'm not part of that relationship, so I don't really know, but it looks good from the outside.
I'm going to summarize the letter I wrote to the boy:

Subject: hello

i think we reached a turning point about two months ago which has taken us in a completely different direction. I know exactly what moment it was for me. I realized that you're not as strong a person as i need to love and while i have enough strength to support myself and some one else so a little bit. After a while I start to weaken and fall, and if you're leaning on me, we fall together. I think we have fallen. I think its possible to get back up if we really try. I'm not breaking up with you, because that's a really shitty thing to do in an email.

and so on and so forth. I don't remember much about the rest. I just kept writing. Then I complained about little nit picky things, just to get everything off my chest. The email was really helpful for me, but the boy's message on my phone sounded severe and pained. I'm going to have to see him tomorrow. so i don't know what i'm going to do. Hopefully i'll be busy enough - and he'll be busy enough - that we won't get a chance to talk about any of this. I really hope he doesn't read my blog. We once agreed not to read each others and i've kept my promise. I don't know about him.

I'm not going to talk about the moment I knew our relationship changed direction. I'm not ready to yet. It was very intimate, but not in a good way and terrifying - well for him. It was scary for me too, but i could visible tell he was terrified.

I think the biggest disparaty in our relationship is that he loves me more than i could ever love him. I do - or once did - care about him, but i could never love recklessly again. I'm not even sure if i really could fall so completely head over heals in love again. I think i'm some how broken.

I had an appointment with the school counseling services today. The women I spoke with was just the intake therapist. She was alright, but didn't seem too receptive to my problems. They probably see so many kids every day its hard to build an actual realtionship with anyone. I almost started crying at least five times in the 45 minutes we meet for and i don't think she noticed. She suugested I continue therapy with someone for short time. and I was supposed to schedule an appointment, but my schedule is so crazy with work and school its hard to find times that fit. so i said i'm come back after i knew my exact work schedule for that week. I'm not sure if i'm going to call. I didn't really feel all that comfortable. I was mostly nervous and felt like i was being kept at a distance by the doctor. I know she is only the intake counselor, but still she should make the patients feel welcome. I really don't think i'll get around to making that appointment. I hope they don't call me. I don't think i'd answer that call either.

Thanksgiving was really great. I loved having my sister here. We had the most amazing time. We saw The 26th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee and Dirty Rotten Scoundrals. I think she really really like Dirty Rotten. We also worked really hard on her applications for college. She wrote her essays and i spent most of my time organizing the applications into envelopes and making sure everything was filled out. I hope she's sent off the things she needs to. I'll have to call and check. Mom says my sister had a really good time too. Which makes me really happy. My relationship with my sister has gotten a lot better over the last year, which is really nice, because I've come to realize my mom is right - after my parents are gone my sister is the only person i'll have whose known me forever. She'll know every tiny bit. And that will be nice.
My sister is applying to Georgetown, Columbia, Bard, Oberlin, Evergreen,Bryn Mawr, Cal State Humboldt and Cal State East Bay. I really hope she gets into Georgetown. She wants to go into politics, so i think that would be really good for her. I secretly hope she gets into and goes to Columbia, because then she'd be in NY with me and then we could get an apartment together and that might be fun. even though she thinks otherwise.
For thanksgiving I cooked. And I had the boy and Scurvyseawench. I bought a 13 lb turkey for 2 people. Because my sister and the boy don't eat meat. GRRRRR!!!! anyway, because of it, i've been eating turkey since thanksgiving. I finally threw it out today after pulling off the last of the breast meat, becuase i like breast meat will eat it alone for lunch or in a sandwich. anyway, i did get such a large turkey because i wanted lots of stuffing. i like stuffing. i really like stuffing and i was hoping the boy would not eat stuffing as it was cooked in the turkey, but he did. that sucked. i wanted lots of stuffing. Anyway, the evening was really nice. The food was good, except for the mashed potatoes, which the boy managed to mess up. go figure. then we went to Scurvyseawench's place for a movie and hot chocolate. I hadn't seen her place yet and that was nice. Its very big and she has hard wood floors. I'm jealous of everyone with hard wood floors. I have linolium. I hate it. I however, do have a single and a suitemate who is never here. So that's nice. I guess you only get so much.
So apparently i'm a good cook. that's what the roommate and the boyfriend of Scurvyseawench (yes, she now has a boyfriend) said - oh, yeah the roommate and boyfriend are the same person - so one person said i'm a good cook, but he didn't even have the food. anyway, the point is i'm flattered. that's what's important.

I know I said i'd keep writing until i said everything, but my back hurts and while i still have the energy to write. My brain has stopped. That was a lot of pour onto the internet. I really should be writing the final essays for my World Cultures class. I did finish a complete draft of one today. I'm calling it a draft in hopes of looking at it again before i turn it in next week. I'll at least spell check it - i hope. anyway. good night. I should go be productive, if not sleep.
good night.