ay, it goes on

As so many before me have said "life goes on". I've learned it really does and more so I've come to want it to go on. Somethings its hard and somethings its wonderful and no matter what it continues and the wonderful moments are always worth the hard.

I said I have much to catch up with and should start right away. I'll start with the closest at hand and work my way back, as I always do and seems to be the pattern of this blog. First, pardon my language, it is reminiscent of Mr. Shakespeare - as my professor calls him - I have been studying him rather thoroughly and will continue to for the remainder of the semester. I'm sure this silliness of speech will lapse shortly.

So, friday night was a full moon. It was a gorgeous glowing moon and I spent the night with my friends outside. It was the first night of the festival of San Gennaro - in little italy, as its an itlian festival - I wish I had eaten the food at the festival, it was all fried and scrumpious looking and now makes my stomache turn with the thought of the grease, but I didn't really have the money or the chance. Anyway, then we went to the park and just sat around and talked and watched the people all around us. Then, The Boy, yes, that Boy, My Boy joins us. He has started a blog too. I shan't tell you what it is, because his and mine should not be read together, by any means. I have foreswore reading it and he doesn't read mine either. Not because we hate each other or something petty, but we want to learn about each other from the source. I know that sounds like noble words spoken in the passion of unquenched love....and they are, but I read his on thursday night, two days after he had come uptown to my dorm to bring me soup, because I was sick. He wrote of his journey to my dorm and in reading his report, I somehow felt he begrudged what he had done.

Maybe I'm currently in a shakey place, having just returned to New York after all too long an absence and quite a eventful one at that, which will be narrated eventually. This one doubt that arose in my mind, sent me into a tail spin. I was suddenly not only doubting the nature of my relationship with My Boy and if my intentions were true, but I started doubting entire life decisions.

On seeing The Boy on the park friday night, under the full moon, my anxiety about our relation must have been eminating from my very skin and every word I spoke was different from my previous demeanor. My Boy, My Wonderful Boy, didn't say anything at the time. When I got home that night I knew I had to talk to The Boy face to face about my feelings, I had to let him know. So I emailed him and invited him to dinner. The next night, he accepted and we were chatting via AIM and he said he had bad dreams - I had had a bad dream too, about My Boy. I don't remember it now, but it was unquieting - he only mentioned bits and pieces of his dream. But they seemed to upset him a great deal.

Dinner with The Boy was wonderful. He is so sweet. And it took him until dessert to wonder what the cause of all this was. So I just said it. I said everything that I remembered had been troubling me for the past few days. I told him that I what him to feel he can talk to me honestly and say no to and then I told him I was doubting my own devotion to him. I told him how I was worried that is wasn't dating him for the sake of having some one to be with rather then to be with him and how I was most worried I wasn'treally in love with him, I was just escited to see someone so in love with me. And his love is full of the purety of first love. Love that has never been hurt by a lover - although he has been hurt by other. I was worried I was in love with that and that one day I would hurt him. I'm still worried, I won't every fall completely in love with him the way he seems so in love with me and i don't want to hurt him and I don't want him to ever feel the way I do now and I want him to know I'm still recovering, but that I do care for him deeply and I wouldn't rather be anywhere else and I told him as much as I could get out.

He told me his bad dream the night of the full moon was about me and his fear I would brake up with him. He said he felt the strange vibes issuing from my pores. Oh, mistress moon, you are ever changing in your rhythms, must you impose your indecision on us mere mortals. All this mischief is your fault. I'll have no more of it. I have been faithful to your whims before, plague me not with your temperance.