I don't think i've ever been so scared about losing another person before and maybe i'm just working myself up over nothing or maybe i want myself to feel like that because i'm ready to feel again without hurting myself to much. I'm sure i could not have felt like this two years ago. it would have tbeen too damaging, I would not have been able to handle it. I still have problems handling emotions. Like last night. i just shut off from the world and my friends. I think i'm going into a self-protective mode because i know i'm going back to LA and i dont want to get hurt while i'm there, but i know that if i start rebuilding that wall, its going to take time to be torn down and i don't want to have to go through that again. i don't want me to change too much over the summer. i don't want to become a different person, i want The Boy to still like the person I am when i come back. I want things to be alright. He's the person i am so scared of losing. I guess i'm scared of losing the person i am now, too, but only because it might change things between The Boy and I. I don't want us to grow apart over the summer.


I saw his show on Thursday. He is a really talented writer. I hope the world will take his words as far as they deserve to go. Most of the people I know are very talented. I wish I had the right to stand in their shadows.

Then THe Boy and I went out. Just us. I was surprised. I was sure he'd want to hang out with his cast. He didn't say anything. I guess i should have. Anyway, i was being selfish. I wanted him all to myself. We sat in the park for a very long time. I was so beautiful. The night was warm enough, it could have been more so. The park lamps have these pretty lamp shades on them and the lamp light is not so harsh, because of it. We just sat there, the grass was a very pretty hue. I had that deep urge to tell him I loved him again, but not in the park, before the park and i bit my tongue and closed my eyes. When i was in the park i thought then might be the time to say it, but i couldn't bring myself to. I just couldn't. Hopefully, because we leave. Its such a hard thing to do. Those words are very dangerous and powerful. And somewhere in the back on my head everytime I hear myself telling him, i hear his voice saying "now, don't get carried away", in that playful way he does, but i know he means it. that's what stops me. I don't think i should be as scared as I am, but to really mean the full emotion behind those words is scary. You have to be willing to rip out your own soul and show the person you care so much about the deepest points and be completely bare and honest in front of them. You can't have anything stand between you. I've been completely honest with him the whole time. I haven't had any reason not too, but i also think somewhere deep inside, I know he's better then i am and by being completely honest, i'm trying to tell him that i'm not good for him and that he should find someone else. But him leaving would hurt so much.



love is that last leaf hanging on to that tree despite being pelted by freezing rain



Its been raining tonight and i was sleep and then i suddenly woke up and was so hot, but being hot didn't make sense. i took off my shirt and tried to fall back asleep, but i couldn't so i went walking. I just walked. in the pouring rain. i eventuall got pizza, but i was just walking, trying to find what I was looking for. I crossed Cooper St. and some one yelled from a passing car "Why are you by yourself?". I didn't even turn and and look at them. In my head I said 'I'm not alone. I have The Boy." But that wasn't the answer to the question. Why am I so often by myself? Its easier to look for what missing that way. You can't find yourself, when you're with other people. You must have a sense of self around other people. By yourself, it doesn't matter and you can look all you want and you don't have to find anything. Its okay not to find yourself. Sometimes its good to be lost. As long as you know that you're lost. Then its okay.

I started packing my stuff today. The movers come on tuesday. I also slept a lot. packing is depressing when you don't want to move and I sleep when i'm depressed. its sad seeing a life you don't want to leave, even for only 4 months, put away in boxes. Seeing The Boys stuff in boxes thursday night was sad to. Even thing is so sad, but I don't have time to deal with the sadness. I have things to write; essays and scripts to finish, I have an italian final on monday and I have work and packing and moving and everything. I hope the 5th will be calm. My planner says "Reserved for The Boy" on thursday. And that's what I plan to do.
While sitting on the park with The Boy after his show, another friend walked by and we where chatting a bit, then The Boy briefly mentioned, that he might be in LA very very briefly during the summer because of this internship he has. I don't think he told me because he didn't want me to get my hopes up, but I'm not counting on it. I would be the most amazing thing ever. But what are the odds?

Countrybird calls. I must be off.