KILLING

I was thinking about killing while drying my hair in my closet from the shower. I was think how i've never killed anything and how that would be such a huge psychological thing to have to deal with. I think this came to mind because earlier today i was noting in my head how i've never had a character deal with the ramifications of having killed someone. I've only had killing in one screenplay for school and the issues wasn't dealt with as an action that some one did and had to live with. Dying is an end in everything i write. Which is the truth. Dying is the end of what we currently know. Beyond death we don't know anything. So i was thinking how i've never killed anything. Then i realized i have. that kind of weighted on my. Then i said it out loud. "I killed a fly" the significance seemed to fly away (pun kind of intended). it didn't seem to matter that i had killed a fly. In fact i've killed lots of bugs. And people are okay with it, in fact often happy for me. But thinking about it now, its weird. I've killed something. I've taken away its life. I know they were just bugs, but somehow the weight of that concept it sitting very heavily on my shoulders. I'm repulsed with myself. i'm disgusted. I took away the life of another creature. it makes me sick to my stomache and guilt. i feel like a murderer. I would feel right if someone locked me away right now for that crime.
My Boyfriend is a vegatarian. I completelt respect him for that choice. he does it as a health thing he says, but whatever his reason I respect him. Also, whenever we eat together I feel bad eating meat in his presence. I never felt this in front of a vegatarian before. its gotten to the point where i don't eat meat when i'm not with him either because i'm sicken by the fact that he might kiss me after i've eaten meat. its a really amazing realization. it makes me think about how much i like The Boy. its nice.
I think these kind of relate. I was thinking about how eating meat is murder and then how i killed those bugs. i'm disgusted by the idea of taking something elses life, but i'm not sure if i could become a vegatarian because i'd be too worried about nutrition. but i think it is a very respectablt decision, if you're going to watch your dietary needs.