I'm reading A Novel of Stones, by John Purroy Jackson (look for it in a year - cross your fingers) and it simulateously makes me want to scream and dive into the pages and become every feminie pronoun John caresses with his pen.
But I am silent. I don't want to arouse suspicion. I don't want foot steps running up the stairs of his house. I don't want these voices asking if i'm alright. I would lie. They could not save me.
And what I am being rescued from? myself? my dreams? images?
Words?
I should not run from words. They do not scare me.
But I scream silent screams and I think in pictures.
I want to possess words I want to make them my own, inhale them, breath them, swallow them, pour them on to empty broken white trees and tell fabulous stories.

There are trees outside the window of my bedroom in Los Angeles. There are also trees inside my window of my bedroom in Los Angeles. The trees are the only thing i miss when I am in New York. There are so many trees, wild trees in Los Angeles, trees who defie their space, who scream in saturated greens against the greying of the sky, the ground, the houses, the people. I dream that one day the trees will reclaim this collection of suburbs, these lost people without a center, without a focus. Immergrants from native places, places named by american tongues with foreign names. Immergrants whose dreams have been crushed and smeared on the sidewalk to mae it sparkle. The glitter brings more dreams to itself. The city feeds on dreams. Dreams of gold and lush fruit trees and stardom and warm sun shine. Dreams that crumple at night like the plastic fender on the brand new aluminum car reared ended on the 405 by paparazzi chasing their own dreams of ruin.

A hummingbird darts in and out of a hibiscus plant. Red and green flashes, between red and green growth, life christmas. The little bird shimmers and flits. How does it live here? I can not do it.
I want to scream. Scream and break this silence. But I've never been able to scream in LA. I can barely breathe here. A scream needs air.

I'm not sure how I feel. Or if i want to feel. No that's not true, I do want to feel. I always want to feel. I realized that recently. I need to feel. Without feeling i am nothing. I tried it. Not feeling. It is so easy, but no one understands, so you shut off more and more. its easy to be there, but I would never wish it on anyone. Feelings drive life and even if they are bad or confusing or overwhelming it doesn't matter, because you can the good ones always make up for the others. So i want to be excited and thrilled and happy.

Yearning and ambition of contagious. It is so easy to get wrapped up in them and whisked away.

I hate being split into pieces. I hate the internal struggle. I hate knowing what i want and knowing what i should want and knowing what is good for me at the same time. But that is the paradox i've ascepted as a paegan. As a believer in the 3. Its this paradox that makes me understand monothesism. There is only one thing to worry about, one thing to drive your thoughts and feelings, one course of action. But that alone will not convert me. maybe one day when I don't want to fight with myself anymore.

The West Coast is the radiating with the sunlight and sea breezes I wanted it. Its been foggy and windy, but I still can't breathe. I'm not sure if this is allergies or my head, but the loratadine is working and my eyes haven't beening watering anymore.

I've meet a guy. He's...

I hate words. He is so much more than words. And yet, everything I know of him is based on words. Five or six conversations. though not short conversations mind you. Text messages flying across the country.

I wrote this for the family christmas.

Christmas time for Heathens

As that special time of year rolls around, all of us good Christians gather together to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ, and the ideals that separate the Christians from the Jews: Love and good will to Mankind (and the eating of pigs). Even the bad Christians have something to look forward to: Santa Clause, that jolly old bearded man in the red suit, some genius at the Coke-Cola company invented at the dawn of time – or the dawn of excessive consumerism mega-advertising. But what about those poor people whose religion has not yet been abducted by Jesus and his love? As good Christians we must remember them at this time of year. What do they have to look forward to when it snows? Surely they cannot dance naked beneath the moon, they would freeze their best parts – and the worst. Then what would they do at Beltaine? We good Christians surely must remember to extend the evergreen branch to our poor un-enlightened brethren, because there would not be that branch to extend without them. The paegans gave us some of our most precious Christmas decorations – they had fantastic taste in décor. The holly, the mistletoe and evergreen would never have adorned the day of the birth of Jesus, our Lord and Savior, without those dear paegans. In fact, without them we would celebrate the birth of Jesus, our Lord and Savior in March like a bunch of nincompoops.
So I would just like to remind all good Christians, and I suppose the bad as well, to make the paegans feel welcome at this time of year and help bring them into the light of Christ. We owe them a lot, but they need to learn better than their polytheistic ways. I would also like to add that good Christians should be nice to the Jews, but don’t get too close, they have refused for two thousand and five years to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior, and it doesn’t look like they will now. But there is still hope for those paegans.

Merry Christmas to all.

Wednesdy was winter solestice. I really didn't acknowledge it at all as i was on a plane for my of my waking hours and was asleep for the rest. But otherwise, the day went really well.
I've been told the MTA strike has ended. That's good to hear.
I really don't have anything to say. i'm not sure why i wanted to do this.
well, then good bye.

so i changed my return to NY ticket about a week ago so i could be in LA longer, for a variety of reasons, mostly i actually missed my family. However, now i'm kind of split. I know want to see my family, but.....
yes, i did just break up with my boy. and i know most people would think its too fast. But i've had a couple of dates with this guy from work and he's really great. He's a novelist. THe way he talks about the stories he tells, he is just a vessel that these thoughts are communicated. and he's...older.
anyway. The MTA transit strike is a major bummer. Not that it stops me from getting around, i walk to work anyway, but it meant since i walk to work, i was asked to be there at 9:30am (we opened at 10am) and then i closed (8:00 pm). But that wasn't too bad.

THe worst part about tuesday was the morning. I woke up at like 7am with out any reason. Then took a shower and managed to lock myself out of my bedroom - which isn't too big of a deal, if the front desk is open. It wasn't. It opens at 8am. it was 7:20am. so i made coffee and had break fast, but i had wanted to run errands.
Anyway. my head is starting to spin from lack of sleep.
tomorrow i catch a plane.
night night.

Back to LA

I go back to LA in two days and i couldn't be more excited. I miss my family and my house and my dog (who isn't doing too well healthwise) and my kitty (even though she's dead, which i don't think has really sunk in and probably won't until I walk into my house and realize i can still breathe - because i am allergic to cats and now the cat is gone).
Work hasn't been too bad. Its really busy because the Yuletide season is upon us, but its good because the hours go by faster when there is a continuous stream of people.

I feel I should rant on about how the Christians stole the yule festivals from us and so on and so forth, BUT i have something really cool already planned and I want to save it. So look for that closer to the 25th, when all those monothesists worship THE SON, part of their singular god.

The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost. Amen.

Wait, isn't that three gods. I thought Christians were monothesistic.
Who smells the hypocrisy.

I will have to point out that despite my rantings and rambling and plain out bitching. I had.....I sat with a co-worker at a diner, while he was eating on his break and I had just gotten off work. But he told me he is converting to Catholism. Like officially converting in the eyes of god and shit. He's a great guy and a novelist and I think he's really cool. He explained to me why he was converting and it made sense. I think. But despite how much I talk, I ultimately feel religion is personal and I respect other people's beliefs. I just really dislike people who follow a religion because they were raised as such and not because they actually understand and believe deep down where ever they keep their spirit.

My play is going really super well. i have done so much rewriting in the last two days. I have managed to add about 8 pages to my script. i still know there are a few things that need to be rewritten still, which is fantastic. If I can add at least two more pages i'll be really happy, because then I will have an 80 page script which i think is a really good length. The only problem with having done rewrites now is that the comments i'll get back from my teacher and this theater company in Liverpool, where i sent my scrip, will be harder to consider in relation to the ending because so much of it has changed. I basically completely rewrote the last scene, from line 1 and changed the motivations of characters and changed the history of characters which are revealed in the end. I still need to elucidate a major decision my protagonist makes and show her making the decision in the moment. I just can't seem to get my protagonist to speak in the moment yet, so i've pulled a deus ex machina, for now and hope to cut it or at least make the protagonist verbally respond to it.
Maybe i should try that now.
But my feet hurt, I'e been stand all day and then had to walk home.
Maybe i'll lie down for a bit. that sounds nice.

I know I've said I think too much like four hundred million times, but.....
I think i figured out why i'm not good with relationships.
not only do i think too muc, i day dream and fantasize too much.
when i'm starting a relationship i fantasize the future and where the relationship might go and how good its going to be and so on and so forth. so a point roles around when the relationship is not the fantasy and when i've moved through the entire relationship in my head, its over. That's when the real one starts to fall apart.
so i need to learn to live in the real world in relation to other people and not to enclude them in my fantasy. i think it will make both places better, because their will not be any cross over.

Its funny how quickly after a relationship is over, you start to notice other guys again and not just notice a little. its like your man-finding sense goes into hyper-drive. Not that I feel i need to find someone, but i caught myself staring at this guys butt at work today - cute butt - and checking out guys on the street. Its so weird. I'm not in a hurry to jump into another relationship and i hope i'm not doing it to make my exboyfriend jealous or anything. its weird. i'm glad i'm heading back to LA for winter break. that will be nice.
on that note, i should start packing and stuff.

Who know a stapler would should so relieving. I just finished by final papers for my World Cultures: India class. It is the class that i have hated most this semester. its reasonably interesting, except i'd prefer to just listen to the lecturer lecture and preferably not at 8 o'clock in the morning. I do not like writing papers for the class or taking tests. i never know how far in depth to go and my head doesn't ever want to wrap itself around the subject matter and then there's the little matter of our TA's going on strike, so i didn't have a recitation section to help explain the lecture or go more in depth on the subjects we'll end up writing about. i guess i really should complain too much, because as far as i know i'm getting an A- so far, which is really good. But it depends on my final essay grade. I don't think they are any worse then the previous, but i'm not sure they are any better. I guess only time will tell.
Everything else is good. Two more days of class. But tomorrow my play is due to my teacher and on wednesday it is due to a theater company i have decided to submit it to. the upside of this company is that they will send the play back to me with notes. yippee. however there is a reading fee, but for notes its totally worth it. yippee more feedback. yippee. i also really hope they decide to produce my play in some form or another, because the company is in Liverpool, England and I would totally go to the production and it would be awesome to go to england again. Speaking of play. I must complete those massive rewrites for tomorrow and hopefully get some sleep in the mean time. So happy rewriting and hopefully sleeping. night night.

We broke up.

No one "dumped" anyone. it was mutual. The relationship was over and we knew it. Life goes on. Good.

On a different note: i think i'm getting sick. i have a lot of phlem in my lung and its going to need to come out soon. that will suck .

I get to see my parents and sister in 13 days. and i only have 3 more days of class. the down side being 2 of those days are finals.

My play in coming alone really well. That makes me happy. I've always been happy with this play. I like the character and the themes. The only thing that is currently bothering me is the length. Its only 67 pages, which is really closer to a one act then a full length. i feel i should at least break 70. which means at least 3 more pages by tuesday. which isn't too bad.

I'm suppsed to go to a party for work tomorrow, but i don't really feel like it. Its in New Jersey and i'm supposed to bring food and a gift, neither of which I have. its going to be cold and that will mean a late night and i'll probably feel more sick and i'll loose a night to write my India final or my play. I will feel bad about not going, but i'm not really a party person either. and i'll be late and i'll leave early and i hate going to new jersey, it takes forever.

alas, woe is me. I'll have to figure that out soon.

I find as my current relationship is ending I think a lot about the Ex and a small part of my wants us to get back together and him to move to NY and we'll live a fabulous life together. But i know that's wrong. It wouldn't work out. We are not right for each other. I'm not right for anyone. I'm better off alone. I really am. I'm really happy alone. I always have been. I'd rather have a dog. Besides, i'm not really alone. I have lots of friends and I love spending time with them. I miss my friends. I never see them. I miss countrybird and scurvyseawench and tokentestosterone. And countrybird is going to study abroad in South Africa - since see made the attempt to study a broad in NY and that didn't work. haha. I hope she has fun in South Africa. I hope everything is going to go well for her. I'll miss her like mad. Then for the fall semester of my junior year, i hope to study in London. Which will be so awesome. Scurvyseawench hopes to too. So we'll never see countrybird. oh, i miss her already. anyway. those thought just hit me and neededto be expressed. back to studying Italian go I.
Ciao miei amici. Ciao.

I will not stop writing until i have said absolutely everything

The time has come. I have the energy. I have the need. I'm ready. I"m starting with right now and i'll work my way back until august. I think that's good.

The relationship with the boy is coming to an end. Unless some miracle occurs and we sit down and talk about all of the issues and problems and everything we have been feeling for at least the last month. But that's a tall order. I sent him an email this evening. I wish I had a copy I could post. I feel i did a good job explaining what I was feeling it it. Under normal circumstances I would call him and ask him to send it back to me, but I don't really feel like talking to him right now. He called and I didn't pick up. I know that't not the most mature thing to do. But I'm in a good mood and don't feel like dealing with this right now. I got what I needed to off my chest and was mean and evil and vindictive and now i'm in a good mood. I had been brooding. Brooding over boyfriends and the things they do to annoy you or things they do that annoying is bad. Its best to tell them right away. But I know i'm not that forthright and i don't expect anyone else to be. If anyone knows someone who is, please give them a medal. They deserve it. I've also gained a new respect for couples who fight. I think fight is important. I have friends who are dating for - i think a year now - and they fight some times, but their relationship seems in good shape. Granted i'm not part of that relationship, so I don't really know, but it looks good from the outside.
I'm going to summarize the letter I wrote to the boy:

Subject: hello

i think we reached a turning point about two months ago which has taken us in a completely different direction. I know exactly what moment it was for me. I realized that you're not as strong a person as i need to love and while i have enough strength to support myself and some one else so a little bit. After a while I start to weaken and fall, and if you're leaning on me, we fall together. I think we have fallen. I think its possible to get back up if we really try. I'm not breaking up with you, because that's a really shitty thing to do in an email.

and so on and so forth. I don't remember much about the rest. I just kept writing. Then I complained about little nit picky things, just to get everything off my chest. The email was really helpful for me, but the boy's message on my phone sounded severe and pained. I'm going to have to see him tomorrow. so i don't know what i'm going to do. Hopefully i'll be busy enough - and he'll be busy enough - that we won't get a chance to talk about any of this. I really hope he doesn't read my blog. We once agreed not to read each others and i've kept my promise. I don't know about him.

I'm not going to talk about the moment I knew our relationship changed direction. I'm not ready to yet. It was very intimate, but not in a good way and terrifying - well for him. It was scary for me too, but i could visible tell he was terrified.

I think the biggest disparaty in our relationship is that he loves me more than i could ever love him. I do - or once did - care about him, but i could never love recklessly again. I'm not even sure if i really could fall so completely head over heals in love again. I think i'm some how broken.

I had an appointment with the school counseling services today. The women I spoke with was just the intake therapist. She was alright, but didn't seem too receptive to my problems. They probably see so many kids every day its hard to build an actual realtionship with anyone. I almost started crying at least five times in the 45 minutes we meet for and i don't think she noticed. She suugested I continue therapy with someone for short time. and I was supposed to schedule an appointment, but my schedule is so crazy with work and school its hard to find times that fit. so i said i'm come back after i knew my exact work schedule for that week. I'm not sure if i'm going to call. I didn't really feel all that comfortable. I was mostly nervous and felt like i was being kept at a distance by the doctor. I know she is only the intake counselor, but still she should make the patients feel welcome. I really don't think i'll get around to making that appointment. I hope they don't call me. I don't think i'd answer that call either.

Thanksgiving was really great. I loved having my sister here. We had the most amazing time. We saw The 26th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee and Dirty Rotten Scoundrals. I think she really really like Dirty Rotten. We also worked really hard on her applications for college. She wrote her essays and i spent most of my time organizing the applications into envelopes and making sure everything was filled out. I hope she's sent off the things she needs to. I'll have to call and check. Mom says my sister had a really good time too. Which makes me really happy. My relationship with my sister has gotten a lot better over the last year, which is really nice, because I've come to realize my mom is right - after my parents are gone my sister is the only person i'll have whose known me forever. She'll know every tiny bit. And that will be nice.
My sister is applying to Georgetown, Columbia, Bard, Oberlin, Evergreen,Bryn Mawr, Cal State Humboldt and Cal State East Bay. I really hope she gets into Georgetown. She wants to go into politics, so i think that would be really good for her. I secretly hope she gets into and goes to Columbia, because then she'd be in NY with me and then we could get an apartment together and that might be fun. even though she thinks otherwise.
For thanksgiving I cooked. And I had the boy and Scurvyseawench. I bought a 13 lb turkey for 2 people. Because my sister and the boy don't eat meat. GRRRRR!!!! anyway, because of it, i've been eating turkey since thanksgiving. I finally threw it out today after pulling off the last of the breast meat, becuase i like breast meat will eat it alone for lunch or in a sandwich. anyway, i did get such a large turkey because i wanted lots of stuffing. i like stuffing. i really like stuffing and i was hoping the boy would not eat stuffing as it was cooked in the turkey, but he did. that sucked. i wanted lots of stuffing. Anyway, the evening was really nice. The food was good, except for the mashed potatoes, which the boy managed to mess up. go figure. then we went to Scurvyseawench's place for a movie and hot chocolate. I hadn't seen her place yet and that was nice. Its very big and she has hard wood floors. I'm jealous of everyone with hard wood floors. I have linolium. I hate it. I however, do have a single and a suitemate who is never here. So that's nice. I guess you only get so much.
So apparently i'm a good cook. that's what the roommate and the boyfriend of Scurvyseawench (yes, she now has a boyfriend) said - oh, yeah the roommate and boyfriend are the same person - so one person said i'm a good cook, but he didn't even have the food. anyway, the point is i'm flattered. that's what's important.

I know I said i'd keep writing until i said everything, but my back hurts and while i still have the energy to write. My brain has stopped. That was a lot of pour onto the internet. I really should be writing the final essays for my World Cultures class. I did finish a complete draft of one today. I'm calling it a draft in hopes of looking at it again before i turn it in next week. I'll at least spell check it - i hope. anyway. good night. I should go be productive, if not sleep.
good night.