I wrote this for the family christmas.

Christmas time for Heathens

As that special time of year rolls around, all of us good Christians gather together to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ, and the ideals that separate the Christians from the Jews: Love and good will to Mankind (and the eating of pigs). Even the bad Christians have something to look forward to: Santa Clause, that jolly old bearded man in the red suit, some genius at the Coke-Cola company invented at the dawn of time – or the dawn of excessive consumerism mega-advertising. But what about those poor people whose religion has not yet been abducted by Jesus and his love? As good Christians we must remember them at this time of year. What do they have to look forward to when it snows? Surely they cannot dance naked beneath the moon, they would freeze their best parts – and the worst. Then what would they do at Beltaine? We good Christians surely must remember to extend the evergreen branch to our poor un-enlightened brethren, because there would not be that branch to extend without them. The paegans gave us some of our most precious Christmas decorations – they had fantastic taste in décor. The holly, the mistletoe and evergreen would never have adorned the day of the birth of Jesus, our Lord and Savior, without those dear paegans. In fact, without them we would celebrate the birth of Jesus, our Lord and Savior in March like a bunch of nincompoops.
So I would just like to remind all good Christians, and I suppose the bad as well, to make the paegans feel welcome at this time of year and help bring them into the light of Christ. We owe them a lot, but they need to learn better than their polytheistic ways. I would also like to add that good Christians should be nice to the Jews, but don’t get too close, they have refused for two thousand and five years to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior, and it doesn’t look like they will now. But there is still hope for those paegans.

Merry Christmas to all.