I'm not sure how I feel. Or if i want to feel. No that's not true, I do want to feel. I always want to feel. I realized that recently. I need to feel. Without feeling i am nothing. I tried it. Not feeling. It is so easy, but no one understands, so you shut off more and more. its easy to be there, but I would never wish it on anyone. Feelings drive life and even if they are bad or confusing or overwhelming it doesn't matter, because you can the good ones always make up for the others. So i want to be excited and thrilled and happy.

Yearning and ambition of contagious. It is so easy to get wrapped up in them and whisked away.

I hate being split into pieces. I hate the internal struggle. I hate knowing what i want and knowing what i should want and knowing what is good for me at the same time. But that is the paradox i've ascepted as a paegan. As a believer in the 3. Its this paradox that makes me understand monothesism. There is only one thing to worry about, one thing to drive your thoughts and feelings, one course of action. But that alone will not convert me. maybe one day when I don't want to fight with myself anymore.

The West Coast is the radiating with the sunlight and sea breezes I wanted it. Its been foggy and windy, but I still can't breathe. I'm not sure if this is allergies or my head, but the loratadine is working and my eyes haven't beening watering anymore.

I've meet a guy. He's...

I hate words. He is so much more than words. And yet, everything I know of him is based on words. Five or six conversations. though not short conversations mind you. Text messages flying across the country.