November 21st 1985

So today I turn 20. I think that's the worst age to turn. I feel I should have already achieved something in my two decades. But then I look around and realize "nope, haven't achieved shit."
But then people tell me to look at myself and see what I've actually done...which I suppose compared to people around me, is more, but I don't care. Its how I feel about my accomplishments, not how other people do. And I feel I have yet to contribute to society in a significant way. I try everyday to be nice, but that never feels like its enough.
However, at least I didn't spend this year in a hopital getting stitches. That sucked last year.

Back to the Blog

I've recently come to realize how much my sanity relies on my constant creation of words in a creative form. As you are well aware, I have not posted anything here for a while. The Tuatha de Danann lived in peace, but in my absence I've slowly deteriorated and the Milesians creep up from behind and attacked. I've been losing it for the last two weeks. The battle is raging full blast now. I hade been ignoring my play, pulling away from my friends and my boyfriend thought i was cheating him. Which is the saddest part of all. I barely have the energy to devote to him, let alone some one else. But that he doubted me like that made me really sad. I cried. I think its good i got that out though. I'm glad he arrived on my door step unexpectedly. It was good for our relationship.
I just i've been falling into this depression recently for a number fo reasons. I'm going to be twenty in a week and I don't think i have anything to show for it. Have i succeed in NYC. NO. I don't think i deserve to be twenty and i don't think i'm ready for it. Then tomorrow The Boy and I will have been together for 9 months. Thats a long time. I'm certain thats making me anxious. Also, work is so not stimulating. I go into automatic and watch the minutes tick by. I don't know how much longer i can stand it. I really need a better job. I need someone in theater or film - more likely film, thats the money - or TV, even , to hire me as their PA. Next semester I could start looking. or start looking for next semester. I'm sure they would work around my class schedule and I have lots of free time. I wouldn't even mind going in before my classes and after my classes. The way my schedule is for next semester means for my current job, i'll only be able to work friday, saturday and sunday. Which sucks. Well, i have to wake up my Boy and ge to that horrible job. Good luck with your day.

Sonnets

Tuatha de Danann

They landed on a mountain in the west.
By clouds they hid, until they reached the ground
Of the green isle, stopping their year-long quest.
A perfect place to live in peace, now found.

They brought their magic knowledge from the North.
They could eclipse the sun for three whole day
And tall above the people stood they orth,
Before their Regal Empire gave away.

They had four magic objects kept be priests;
The Stone of Destiny, the Champion’s spear,
A sword of power and Cauldron of feasts.;
To these four things their powers did adhere.

They lost the battle against man. They fell
From heights into the hidden cairns they dwell.


*Orth: vertical


Milisians

The Age of Gods was soon to end. The wind
Of change to hail the Age of Men, to tend
The soil of Eire. Three tall boys, Kings, akined
By blood; the Sons of Mil, bound to ascend.

The Poet, White Knee, lead the boys to her
The Triple Goddess of the Land, for each
To take a bride. The Gods, they did astir
With rage and cursed the waves who brought them beach

Upon the shores of Eire. On march the boys
To consummate their marriage to the land
And tear apart the Gods. They do destroy
A time on earth alike to faerie land.


The Gods have fled under the ground, in cairn
They hide. Now only stories told to bairn.


*cairn: piles of stone placed with a significance, usually ti mark something.
*bairn: an scottish word for children