Through all this intense happiness with life and everything that has been happening, I also have been feeling an intense fear. This fear resides just under my happiness and it was just waiting to come to the surface and spill all over this glorious happiness and create a contaminated world. This fear resides in the pit of my stomach and makes me nauseous with each step of each day. This fear resides in my lips and makes them tremor when held tightly together and nervous when a part. This fear resides in my brain and holds every action I attempt in indecision. This fear has blossomed forth.
Tonight I saw a play my teacher wrote and it was really good. You could really see the progression of the characters and the story. It was very well done, I'm glad she's my teacher. But that is a side step from the root of my fear. To the show I went with the usual gang; Scurvyseawench, countrybird and tokentestosterone. Then he brought a girl in our department and I asked the boy (I suppose I should give him a name). Seeing the show was fine and helped clean up the oil spill of fear making my happiness dirty. While organizing plans to meet for tonight he asked if I wanted to get tickets for "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" which is being revived. I really like absurdism, besides from the fact that he asked, so of course I said yes. But typical me, I needed to make things needlessly complicated. He offered to buy both tickets and I could pay him back later, which makes a lot of sense. However, being a college student I have a cash flow issue and by that I mean I don't have CASH. So I needed to put my ticket on my credit card, so we decided to buy tickets separately. I get on as soon as the tickets are available and get one. Then half and hour later he calls and I can't pick up because I'm in class, and he says that they are sold out and gets one for a different date. O ME. Needlessly complicated. So in order to fix the problem I tried to get another ticket for the same date as he, after class, but by then it was sold out. Ay gevald. (that definitely merited Yiddish). Then to top it all off, I told him to meet us twenty minutes after class got out. TWENTY MINUTES. What was I think? So all in all I needlessly complicated matters, as usually and that fear, that I would mess things up with The Boy only came true. But he forgave me, and insisted that I didn't need being forgiven, but somewhere inside, where that fear used to be, it this feeling that its all ready a lost cause. I DON'T WANT IT TO BE OVER NOW. I want more of this happiness and I want this Boy to still care. I don't want to prove myself right, that I'm incapable of doing this sort of thing. I WANT THIS FEELING TO GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!! GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!