Singular

I had a strange dream last night, which was probably really this morning since I didn't wake up until noon. It wasn't so much that the dream itself was strange, because dreams are generally regarded as strange because they don't resemble real life in anyway. There was a singular haunting moment of the dream, which in a way does seem like real life, because there are singular moments of life that still haunt me to this day, but happened when I was in kindergarten. The dream wa going along as dreams do. I was at some sort of party where everyone was dressed up in very bright, unique outfits. Something happened where people were trading costumes or something - that's the fuzzy part - for some reason or another I got mad, about something or another. Anyway, the moment that haunts be was a point in my anger where I was so mad at my sister I was physically beating her and when she was lying on the floor bleeding, I stepped on her head and cracked her skull. Her brains didn't ooze out or anything, but in my dream I heard a crack. The very thought still makes me sick to my stomache. Yet, in my dream self a part of me wanted to stomp on her head again and kill her, but another part of me, the part that won out, knew it was wrong, it was murder and she's my sister.
They say dreams are distortions of reality, desires or subconscious thoughts. I've even had dreams that tell the future. Not very much of the future, just snap shots, like photos of the future, singular images without a context of time. I never know which ones will become the future, usually its the dreams that don't matter too much. They don't scare me, or bother me or capture beautiful images. The future is usually the dreams I remember when I wake up and wonder what the rest of the dream was and promptly forget before breakfast. Those are the dreams that come true. They sneak up on you unexpectedly and jolt you out of reality for a moment.
I know this dream won't come true because of the vividness of the entire action. I could never do anything like that to be sister. Speaking of my sister, I wrote this play that in the back of my mind relates to my relationship with my sister. It is not autibiograph, and I'm sure no one but myself would be able to draw the connections besides that the main character has a younger sister. Jeanette Winterson says: "The most powerful written work often masquaredes as autobiography." Then Toni Morrison argues that other way, all fiction comes from autobography.
JAKE(male,18) and SAM(female, 18) are playing chess.
SAM
Ya know what I’ve never done before?
JAKE
What?
SAM
I’ve never mowed a lawn.
JAKE
So?
SAM
Its such a mundane thing. You’d think every eighteen year old would’ve mowed a lawn once in her life.
JAKE
Its really not that exciting.
SAM
So? I have a lawn. In fact everyone I know has a lawn. You’d think that one day I would have mowed a lawn; out of curiosity or for money or sheer boredom. I am bored a lot.
JAKE
I play chess.
SAM
So do I.
JAKE
I mowed a lawn once. With one of those really old push mowers, that you had to pull a cord to start. It was my neighbors. He said he’d give me 10 bucks and when you’re 11 that’s a lot of money.
SAM
Did he pay you?
JAKE
Of course he paid me, but it wouldn’t start and when it finally did it would only run for like 15 minutes then die again. So it took like an hour to mow the entire front lawn and its the same size as mine. Which isn’t very big.
SAM
Yeah, but you’ve done it. You’ve experienced mowing a lawn. I’ve never done it.
JAKE
If anyone ever needs their lawn mowed I’ll call you.
SAM
Thanks.
JAKE
How can you still be beating me, when you’re talking about mowing lawns?
SAM
I’ve played a lot of chess.
JAKE
But usually you don’t let me talk, so you can concentrate.
SAM
Yeah.
JAKE
Then how are you still winning?
SAM
I’ve played a lot of chess.
JAKE
That doesn’t explain how you’re beating me.
SAM
I read a lot of books, I study the moves, I study the champions, I study my opponents, I practice against myself.
JAKE
You play a lot of chess.
SAM
Yeah. More recently.
JAKE
Why?
SAM
My sister has a boyfriend.
JAKE
Little Sophie?
SAM
Yeah, Phie has a BF. She’s not so little anymore either.
JAKE
Is he nice?
SAM
I guess.
JAKE
You guess?
SAM
I’ve only met him once.
JAKE
You’re little sister has a boyfriend and you’ve only met him once.
SAM
Yeah.
JAKE
You’re a horrible older sister.
SAM
I know.
JAKE
If I got a girlfriend, my older brother would be all over me with questions in like 5 seconds.
SAM
Yeah, because Jeff’s a good older brother.
JAKE
He’s fine.
SAM
I’m a horrible older sister.
JAKE
No, you’re not.
SAM
Yes, I am. I use to beat up my sister whenever she bothered me. I would punch her as hard as possible until my mom would stop me.
JAKE
So? Jeff would hit me sometimes, but I hit back. That’s what siblings do.
SAM
I would hit her so hard. I haven’t much recently ‘cause she’s bigger than me now, but I’d just keep punching her and punching her. I really wanted to kill her and for nothing. Sometimes it was because she said something I didn’t like or because she took something of mine without asking. I would just punch her until she cried and I pulled her hair and beat her head in the floor. I just wanted her to go limp and be dead, but I never got that far. Mom would always stop me.
JAKE
I...I’m sorry.
SAM
Then for a while I tried to make her anorexic. I always told her she was fat and would remind her of what she was eating and how much weight it would make her gain. I even explained to her how to make herself throw up.
JAKE
Did she?
SAM
No. I guess that’s good. She has always been stronger than me. I think that’s why I hated her so much. She was everything I wasn’t and never will be. Maybe I was jealous of her? I don’t know. I think the things I really hated her for, the reasons that I hit her, were the things she did that reminded me of myself. People have always said we look alike, like twins, and I have always struggled to be the older one, to be different, but I could never break away. They always thought I was younger. I hated myself too much. Maybe the things I hated my sister for, were the things that I hated in myself. So I tried to beat them out of her, so she’d be better than me, do better than me, or maybe because I thought that if I beat them out of her, I could beat them out of me. I never did beat them out of me. They’re still here, but she’s not. She’s not here physically and she’s not the same person mentally. She’s not me. I guess I did beat myself out of her, but its still in me. In here. I’m still here.
JAKE
Where else would you be?
SAM
Out there.
JAKE
hat’s out there?
SAM
Life.
JAKE
We’re living in here too, Sam.
SAM
Are we?
JAKE
We’re breathing right? My heart’s still beating. I would call that living.
SAM
Is it really living? I mean really living. I sit here and kill plastic pawns with my plastic rook, who carries a plastic sword. Is that living?
JAKE
Yes.
SAM
No. I’m not out there doing things. I’m not out there...mowing lawns.
JAKE
You don’t have to mow lawns to be alive.
SAM
Its not about the lawns, Jake. Its about being out there and doing something, really doing something. Its about feeling the sun burning your skin, the lawn mower blistering your hands, the grass bits hitting you in the eyes, the smell of the cut grass, the sweat forming all over your body, the salty taste of sweat, the way it makes your shirt stick to your back and breasts, so all the neighbor boys watch you.
JAKE
Sam, its about making the grass shorter.
SAM
Who really cares what length their grass is? Its about not sitting in the dark watching plastic wars won and lost.
JAKE
I like chess.
SAM
There are real wars out there. The lawn is a war. The grass fights to grow on forever and be whatever length it wants. The mower fights to keep it short and tamed. Its a struggle for power. One side having power over the other. Just like I wanted power over my sister.
JAKE
What does your sister have to do with mowing lawns, and how do either have to do with war? Sam are you stoned?
SAM
No. I hate pot. I like being in control. That’s why I beat up my sister, that’s why I play chess, that’s why I want to mow the lawn. Power. I want power. Now my sister has a boyfriend, I have never mowed a lawn, but I still always beat you at chess.
JAKE
You always win. You have a lot of power. I’ve never beat you.
SAM
So? It doesn’t matter. Chess is not real. My sister is real, lawns are real, chess is not. JAKESam, what’s wrong? We never talk about anything. Not even chess. We just play. SAMI tried to kill myself on Thursday.
JAKE
Oh my god.
SAMThat’s why I haven’t been at school.
JAKE
I thought you’d finally convinced your mom that you’re too smart for high school.
SAM
No. I slit my wrists.
JAKE
God Sam. Are you all right?
SAM
I’m...
JAKE
What am I saying? That’s the dumbest question ever. You tried to kill yourself. Or course you’re not “all right”. I sound like such an idiot.
SAM
Its okay. I didn’t give you any warning. Its not exactly a chess table topic.
JAKE
Yeah.
SAM
My mom came into my room to tell me dinner was ready and saw my blood all over the floor. Dad called the ambulance. Phie wasn’t home. I’m glad she didn’t see it. Mom cleaned up the blood before she got home. We haven’t told her what happened. I don’t remember much after the paramedics got there. I think I blacked out, ya know, loss of blood can do that to you.
JAKE
Yeah, I guess.
SAM
I remember waking up in the hospital on Saturday. There were flowers and my Gramma had send me a teddy bear. She always sends teddy bears. I think its her solution to life.
JAKE
Its a good solution.
SAM
Life doesn’t have a solution. It simply is and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
JAKE
Yes there is. You can play it until its over.
SAM
I tried to play it, then I tried to hit the stop on the clock, but mine was broken and instead of the game stopping, it just made the clock change speeds, sometimes its too fast and other times its too slow, never consistent and now I just keep playing because there’s no way out. The stop button didn’t work, now I have to keep playing. I guess I have to wait for someone else to win, so I can get out. Because if I win, it will just keep going.
JAKE
Sam, there are so many people who want you here and it doesn’t matter if you win or lose or beat your sister or mow a lawn or have power. You’re here and you’re alive, that’s what’s important.
SAM
That used to be all I needed. To simply exist, nothing more, nothing less. Now I need something and I’m not finding it. It doesn’t matter if other people want me here and it doesn’t matter who those other people are. I have to want me here and I don’t, but I can’t leave.
JAKE
I don’t want you to leave.
SAM
That’s the whole point. I don’t have any say over my own life, I don’t have any power. My mother always stopped me from beating my sister and then my parents stopped me from killing myself and now you’re stopping me. I can’t live and I can’t die. What am I suppose to do?
JAKE
Try.
SAM
I’ve been trying for 18 years. I’m sick of trying. I don’t want to try anymore. Everything I’ve tried leaves me more and more powerless. I couldn’t even kill myself. I tried that, but was stopped. I don’t have any power. Not over my life, not over my death.
JAKE
You always beat me at chess. You have power over the chess armies.
SAM
Chess is fake. If you study the moves enough you can win. Its not about control or power or anything. Its just about knowing and doing. Like math.
JAKE
Math is hard.
SAM
Chess is just the same as math. You memorize formulas, then you learn how to apply them .
JAKE
I always had problems figuring out which one to use.
SAM
That was the easy part. It was so cut and dry. I never had to think about it. You have a problem, you apply a formula, you get an answer. That’s the best part about math, you always get an answer and its either right or wrong, there is never any in between. Life is only the in between.
JAKE
That’s what makes it exciting.
SAM
But I never know if I’m right or wrong.
JAKE
That’s the best part. Sometimes you’re right, once in a while you’re wrong, but most of the time you’re neither and you get to decide for yourself what you think about it or how you feel about it.
SAM
But I don’t feel.
JAKE
How can you not feel. You’re human. All humans feel.
SAM
I don’t.
JAKE
Not ever?
SAM
Never.
JAKE
Not even a little sometimes?
SAM
Never.
JAKE
But that’s the grey area of life. Feeling. You’ve never existed in the grey area?
SAM
Not ever.
JAKE
Never?
SAM
I’ve never existed in the black, the white or the grey areas of life. I have simply existed.
JAKE
But you exist.
SAM
Life should be more than existing.
JAKE
It’s not. You have to make it more than existing.
SAM
It wont let me.
JAKE
Life isn’t stopping you.
SAM
Its not stopping me, but its not letting me.
JAKE
What?
SAM
How have I lived? I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried chess, I’ve tried kissing, I’ve tried beating my sister. Life won’t let me live and it wont let me die.
JAKE
There’s more to living than dying.
SAM
Dying is the ultimate act of living.
Sophie(female, 16) enters.
SOPHIE
Sam, Mom told me to come get you for dinner. She really wants you home. She made your favorite. Greek Salad and pasta shells with meat sauce.
SAM
I’m going to finish this game first then I’ll be right over. Okay?
SOPHIE
Okay, but you better be there. Mom’s really worried about you. Its funny. Sophie makes to exit. SAM
Wait, Phie, don’t go. Come here. Stay, we’re almost finish.
SOPHIE
Are you wining?
JAKE
Sam always wins.
SOPHIE
You’ll have to teach me sometime.
SAM
Sure, but you have to tell me about your boyfriend.
SOPHIE
Yeah, sure. If you want.
SAM
I want to know who you spend time with.
SOPHIE
Okay. Whatever, chess-nerd.
JAKE
Checkmate.
SAM
Ha. I lost. Congratulations.

Well, that's my little play. I do love my sister and the play is dedicated to her. I think the fact that I love her so much is why I was so distrubed by my dream.